Earl Pitts - American! PITTS OFF!

Weekly Rant

You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so angry I just wanna do a naked cannon-ball…into a cactus patch?

Yeah – this really ticks me off. Y’all watch them legal shows on the TV – where they catch the bad guys an’ take’em to court? What is the one thing we all know about the legal system in this country? What is the one thing gets drilled into everybody’s head. It’s this – innocent until proved guilty. That there is the #1 rule in the American justice system. Innocent until proved guilty.

Unless you’re married. Then you’re guilty as sin…until the day you die.

Here’s what happened to me last night…and you men out there might see yourselves in my situation. See – I took my old lady down to the Mall. We did what we do. She burnt through money like a monkey going through bananas. An’ I sat in the food court drinking coffee.

Well – I was kinda zoned out…cause I do that a lot these day…an’ suddenly – WHAPPP!!!…I get smacked upside the head. My old lady is standing behind me with her hands on her hips. She goes, ‘Put your filthy eyes back in your head, Earl!’

I go, “What are you talking about woman? That hurt!!” She goes, “I seen you oggling them young girls over there…you middle-age pre-vert.”

As God is my witness…I don’t know which way my eyeballs was pointing…but I wasn’t seeing nothing. Like I said, I was kind of zoned out. I go – “Pearl, I wasn’t looking at nothing.” She goes, ’How dumb do you think I am? I seen you setting there drooling…’

I go…’Of course I was drooling…they just took the Cinnabuns out of the oven.” Yeah – but she didn’t believe me. Didn’t talk to me last night. Didn’t talk to me this morning. And anyways…even if I was looking at those women – I still should be innocent ‘til proved guilty. Plus - the way them young girls walk around the mall looking like Hollywood hookers these days…I think I could prove entrapment.

Wake up, America! An’ you know what I’m doing tonight? I’m going back down to the Mall. That’s right. I must have missed a good show last night. Hey – if you're gonna do the time…you might as well do the crime. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.

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